It’s been one of those days/ nights… where I’m overcome by my negative thoughts. Where I’m thinking about a million things yet nothing at all. My mind won’t stop racing but my body lies so still. At the slightest wrong thought or movement I could go into a total panic attack.
This evening my boyfriend asked me repeatedly “What’s wrong?” I guess he could easily tell I wasn’t ok by my body language and the blank look on my face. All I could do is shrug my shoulders and reply “nothing” or “I don’t know” in a monotone. He hates taking either for an answer and honestly I don’t blame him one bit. It’s not at all fair to him and I hate getting the same treatment. So I’m left trying to pry through the madness going on in my mind to find that very answer. “What’s Wrong?“… that felt like rushing through the worlds biggest filing cabinet to find a single word, written in fine print on an unnamed file. aka, impossible. That’s when I just completely shut down. The catatonic feeling comes back. It seems like any sounds or movement around me is complete static but, through my own silent stare I try to honestly dig deep and ask..What is really wrong? What could possibly be SO wrong to make me feel this low?
Nothing specific happened today to make me feel off. I have what seems like nothing but good things to look forward to. I have so much to be thankful for. God, Being In love and in a faithful relationship, A Job with loving employers, Our own place, food in our kitchen, A car, Good physical health, a few true friends, A Healthy baby growing inside of me as I type this and so much more. the list seems endless.
So “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG?” I thought I battled and overcame so many of my demons in the past. How can I possibly still feel like this?
Can it be I’m just not getting enough exercise lately? Maybe not enough oxygen to my brain? Overthinking because I’m not keeping busy enough? Eating somewhat unhealthy do to “the preggo cravings” or what? It may sound a little crazy but I actually think about these things, which all often seem to add to/worsen my depression symptoms. Some would be quick to just say “Relax”, it’s the baby working a little overtime on you but I just can’t write this off as pregnancy hormones this time. These are feelings I know too well. Feelings that stunt me from living the pretty much “normal life” I dream of.
I guess some could also just call this over dramatic or well written but I’m honestly at my wits end with my depression. This isn’t a hoax or something to “juice up my writings” these are my true feelings that can only seem to flow on paper or type. I know many of you to read this can relate. As I always say, I couldn’t even wish this reoccurring feeling on my worst enemy .
So in this very moment I’m going to try to light my candles, meditate and bring myself back down to earth. Hopefully I can bring myself to sort out this mental filing cabinet and start figuring out once and for all “What’s Wrong?”