I’m stuck in such an odd place. I could claim the case of a Lost Identity but that would honestly feel like a lie. I didn’t lose anything. Stolen is more like it. Stolen by “life”, like real life. The slow monotonous game board that has all the sudden became my reality. It’s as though I always pass go but never manage to collect the $200 or property around the board before I find myself right back at start. Maybe I should just feel blessed to not have to “Go to Jail.”
Sorry to start off on such a pessimistic note but I could say that has definitely been the record on repeat for me lately.
So many people are telling me the way I’m feeling is most likely my PPD and hormones going complete haywire after the baby (which most likely adds to the ways i’m feeling) but I, Myself know there’s much more to the story. Sure, Journeying into motherhood is a brand new stress of it’s own, yet a rewarding one. I can’t imagine being “Ky-less.” Playing the TEMPORARY housewife roll doesn’t help. some days every single minute is just so fucking predictable! I don’t know how some wish for this life.
I’m coming to that hole that I never thought I’d fall into. I told myself I would never become the one who settles for less than they feel they deserve but I’m finding myself settling more and more.
with so many things I’ve never got to do, Now they seem almost impossible. I’m either expected to be “Too grown, too responsible or too “fat” to do them.
My biggest fear is Dying without a life truly Lived and right now I am “living” under the invisible written rules of everyone but myself…