In 2012, Shortly after finding out i was pregnant, I had a miscarriage around 12 weeks. I was devastated. All the doctors told me “It’s not your fault, sometimes these things just happen.” but I thought otherwise. I blamed myself for being so overweight and in such poor health.If i was healthier maybe my child would’ve lived. maybe they would’ve been here today. But nevertheless I picked up the pieces, packed away the medical papers and made myself a promise. “I will be healthy for my next pregnancy and my future child, no matter what!” … and today, I’m keeping that promise.
In order from left to right (2014,”beginning of weight loss journey”,2016″pre-pregnancy”,2016 3months pregnant,”Current”5mo. preg)
As you can imagine, after losing the majority of the weight I’ve wanted to and declaring my “weight loss journey” pretty much over despite the stubborn few pounds I know I need to work my ass off to lose, getting pregnant was not on my list of things to do right after. Don’t get me wrong, This pregnancy is such an amazing thing and I’m so happy that my body is strong and healthy enough to even conceive and carry a baby not to mention, I’m having a baby with the very supportive man who I love. It’s just part of me can’t help but to feel as if the timing is all wrong.
My very first though going into the first trimester was “I’m going to regain all the weight I just lost and stop caring about myself again” I literally contemplated the idea of abortion for about 2 hours before “mentally shaking the shit outta myself.” “Summer, What the fuck is wrong with you? You know better!” The decision to keep the baby is not optional. I don’t even believe in abortion plus, how beyond selfish would that be and how could you live with yourself later? I had to get my thoughts straight for a minute.
I get constant reminders from family, friends and even some of you that this is a blessing and not the end of the world. “You’ll snap back in no time!”, “You did it once, you’ll do it again…”, “Just keep working out and eating healthy and you’ll be fine.” etc… which indeed this may all be true but, not many understand the pressure I put on myself to maintain and continue loosing weight. I literally haven’t been around the weight that I am now since FOURTH OR FIFTH GRADE! “Just let that shit sink in!” I never pictured in my life ever getting to where I am today, especially through my own healthy practices.
In reality, regaining weight is my biggest fear. The mental side of things through my weight loss is a constant battle. Just gaining 2 or 3 lbs literally throws my anxiety into overdrive, almost to the point of wanting to starve myself and work myself out into overkill. I’ve even wished for morning sickness during the beginning of the pregnancy, hoping it would keep me from gaining weight. It’s like during the time when I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, I’m the hardest. When I should be “enjoying the pregnancy,” I’m always checking my weight. I’m working out harder than I should be, still trying to watch every little thing I put into my mouth and constantly staring at a frowning reflection when I glance at myself in the mirror and notice my body continues to expand. In fact my doctor even tells me, I’m gaining “the baby weight” at a normal and perfectly healthy rate. The visual however, makes me feel as if I’ve already regained 50lbs when I’ve really only gained about 7 or 8 lbs in the last 5 months.
“I want nothing more than to be able to let my weight loss compulsions and ridiculous worries of self-image to fly out the window and truly embrace the beautiful miracle happening inside my body.”
…then I’m struck by the thoughts, “I’m only half way through the pregnancy!” To others I’m barely showing right now but I have so much weight I can gain before having the baby. Will I honestly be able to lose the weight and get back in shape again? Will the baby stretch out my skin even more than it has been? How will I even have the energy to do anything with a newborn? …and so much more. All these thoughts drive me absolutely crazy at times but Chris manages to keep me grounded. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without him sometimes.
I try to remember at my lower moments that despite putting my body through hell most of my life, I’ve literally transformed myself into a total different person in a year. “There just can’t be a way to fix over 20 years of damage/ carelessness in a day.”
Just Breath Summer.
This Pregnancy may only make you stronger and two times the warrior you’ve already discovered in yourself.
My hopes are that this pregnancy, Our baby and my newest transformation into a mother will change my prospective or at least help me gain more acceptance of my body and its Magical Powers. Perhaps even happen to fall in love with it along the way.
You’re getting to experience some things some women dream of their whole lives but aren’t able to do, so Cherish this wonderful body Summer, for this is only the beginning of beautiful things to come.