This is a very LONG, personal and intimate post. I will be opening up in a new light. Something at first I wasn’t quite sure if I was ready to do but, I think this plays a very important part in my story/ Journey. Even those who may have been close to me or thought they knew me, probably never knew this side of my story…
As I heard the words (Depression/Anxiety) coming up, I never really took them seriously. I thought when people claimed to be “depressed” it was their current state of mind (as one who may claim to be excited, bored, sleepy, ect…) rather then a serious condition. Same went for having anxiety. I thought those were feelings one could control and some people were just looking for attention or being over dramatic.
That was until my mother became severely depressed during my sophomore year of high school. Neither I, nor my family members understood what she was going through and were quick to get upset or angry at her for “not being herself.” when in all reality, she couldn’t.
Her condition progressively got so bad, to the point she was practically Catatonic. She barley spoke for 2, almost 3 years. She was up all hours of the night, and asleep during a lot of the day. She stopped playing her music and getting on her computer as she spent most of her time doing before. She barely even took care of herself. She totally depended on my father to prepare her meals (when she actually managed to eat) she lost so much weight that she was practically skin and bone. Our family became totally devastated and at the same time so confused as to how we could help her. We didn’t think it was going to get any better until my Aunt stepped in and helped her get the proper meds she needed. at first, we didn’t see much difference but, slowly things started to change.
Come the day of My High school Graduation. (2012)
“I remember like it was yesterday… My loved ones in the crowd. My heart pounding at a gazillion beats per second. I could feel my palms grow sweaty as my row was called to line up and receive our diplomas. Meanwhile, the whole time, I’m watching a short film in my mind titled (The Tragic Fall of Summer) In this film where My name would be called, with all eyes on me. I would manage to shake all the “Noble hands” and receive my diploma. I would then raise it high above my head in victory and wave to my family in the crowd, only to find myself tripping over my gown, stumbling and rolling off the stage to my doom. The closer I got to the stage, the faster the film would play. I tried to focus my mind elsewhere by planning each small step I would take to get to the podium. (I counted 13) I then remembered hearing the Principal tell everyone in the audience to please hold all applause until the end but, all at once “Summer Magdalena Stultz! It seemed like the entire crowd roared and I was in shock. People I barely knew were standing at full attention, clapping and whistling. My “fear of flying” went right out the window as I grabbed my diploma.
I blew kisses to my family and it was right then. I looked at my Mom’s face. She was wearing the biggest smile I will never forget. Definitely one of the best days of my life.”
After that day, I just remember things getting better and better for her. She regained her weight, began eating normally and taking part in all her favorite activities again. Today, she is doing amazing, as I’m sure she still has her days/moments, she is My Momma again.
So all seemed to be going alright in the world of Summer until late 2013 when I began to get better aquainted with a lot of new demons in my life that I didn’t know how to deal with. Soon after, I was diagnosed with Depression. For the past 3-4 years I have been “dealing with it” and all the challenges it brings. I was on medication for a good few months until I was dropped once I missed an appointment with my doctors office and was no longer able to receive my prescription… And although I didn’t experience much withdraw (like I was so scared I would) it didn’t take long for my lows go return.
“Unless you or someone very close to you has dealt with depression in its face, then it will be almost impossible to understand where I’m coming from.”
For what seemed like (and may have been) an entire year, I spent day after day, balled up under my covers in the darkness of my bedroom. Literally drained, in every sense of the word. I would only get up to drink and go back to sleep. When I couldn’t sleep anymore, I would lay there and cry for hours on end until I got tired enough to fall asleep again. I I felt so alone, even when I did manage to get out and be around people. Even though I was good at hiding my condition, it was overcoming me more and more everyday.
I became constantly negative and I couldn’t pop a positive thought if I wanted to. I began to start hating myself, What I looked like, especially and who I was becoming. I hated my surroundings, my situation and eventually, I felt as if my entire life would end in this state of deep depression. Past the point of feeling sorry for myself, I saw absolutely no way out.
My at the time, “long distance boyfriend” Did all he could to try and help me. He would come see and take care of me whenever he could, bring me gifts, constantly stay on FaceTime with me, trying to cheer me up but I was too far gone. Of course I had my days where I was perfectly fine, but it seemed like for every good day, there was five bad to follow. This pattern continued to go on and on until June of 2014, where I hit my all time low…
I was out, (late night) with my best friend… Managing to have a good time that night. We were at a night club and ofcorse a bit tipsy. We were making friends with a few girls, taking selfies and just letting our hair down. I remember getting up to hit the girls room and walking through the main walkway by the bar when the DJ decided to put the club’s spotlight on me and say a few choice words about me. Those words aren’t important now, but just know they flew through me. As well as every shot glass in my reach Flew into the DJ booth. Of course I got kicked out and luckily got my ID back without having the cops called. (i’m guessing the management understood that the DJ instigated) but the 2 Hour drive home afterward was absolute silence. I didn’t have anyone to call on. I didn’t even feel like I could talk to my best friend Who was sitting right beside me. I felt The most alone I had ever felt in my life. As soon as she drop me off at my apartment, I went straight to my bathroom and stared at my self for a good minute (completely sober) I open my medicine cabinet and to took every single pill I could find. In all, maybe 100-200. I laid down and started fine asleep and the second I was about to close my eyes, I popped up. I knew I had just made the biggest mistake of my life and if I wasn’t really ready to go through with the decision I was making, I needed help. I called a hotline that directed me to hang up and call 911… I didn’t want an ambulance showing up to my house at that time to wake any of the neighbors and have them watching so I made the bold decision of driving myself to the hospital. I remember being so hot and my heart pounding out of my chest the entire time I was driving . The second I got out of the driver seat, I blacked out on the pavement and when I woke up I was laying in the emergency room bed, with IVs and tubes running everywhere and my parents at the foot of the bed. My father in tears, it broke my heart. I had never seen the look on his face.
This was absolutely the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with, in so many ways. I know anyone who ever knew of the situation knows How far I’ve came since then and how much I’ve grown from it.After getting out of the hospital, I Immediately made the healthy lifestyle changes I needed to and began on a road to a better me. I stopped drinking, began engaging myself in more positive activities as well as surrounding myself withmore positive people. I also made a promise to myself since that day, I would never put my parents through anything like that again, let alone myself or other loved ones and I was going to make sure I did anything I needed to to make myself happy again.
Believe it or not, this is the situation that led up to my weight loss journey. I was tired, like I said I hated myself in the way I looked, felt and what I thought I was going to be for the rest of my life, and although I made so many of these changes, and may not deal so much with the depression symptoms as bad as I used to, anxiety seems to moved into it’s old place.
I tend to be very akward or shy acting around large groups of people, constantly feeling as though others are watching/ taunting or judging me. I start getting clammy hands, twitchy eyes, a tappy foot… the whole nine. Oh, and god forbid i think i hear someone say something about me behind my back. i will snap at them like a rabid dog. It has gotten to the point where I will literally give myself reasons as to why I should stay in, cancel plans or leave early from any festivities I actually do make it to. Anyone who knows me knows, this is nothing like “the real me” and I am often a beautifully social butterfly but bearing the pressures of living in this (new) body, I feel looked at as an entire different person. Now that others don’t judge me at first sight for being morbidly obese, they judge me for the small things. the details. my hair/ make-up, choice of clothing, and compare me to other girls so much. I guess I shouldn’t let this bother me, but it does… A LOT! It has taken a new toll on me and though I still try to work through it, It will always have its way of creeping back up on me.
My doctor told me it is more so “social anxiety disorder ”
Social anxiety disorder: Excessive fear of embarrassment in social situations that is extremely intrusive and can have debilitating effects on personal and professional relationships. Also called social phobia.
I still struggle with some of the same feelings of depression but not at all like before. I am in a happy relationship and have a lot of my future plans and goals set, which often keeps me more positive. I am also trying to find new ways to deal with my social anxiety and learn how to become more comfortable with myself, as I once was.
*If you or anyone you know is dealing with either of these disorders, I would like to hear more about your story or how you’ve coped with them in your own way. ❤
Talk more with you guys soon.
2 Comments Add yours
you did this beautifully. many tears, but it needed to be told. so glad we’re both on the up side most days now.
Love This!! and coming from someone who deals with depression and dealt with an eating dissorder and self harming.. it still motivates me to stay on the right path and stay strong ❤ it's @Pocahontassodmg from your SC lol idk you that well but I love you for opening up about this! You are that much more beautiful to me!